Sunday, January 13, 2008

The Crumbling of a Pedestal

A couple of the guys that I met while in Henderson took me out to Muriwai Beach and a late dinner tonight. It was really nice of them and I really enjoyed the night. But I also learned something at dinner.

One of the guys, JJ, knows Danny! Well, he is friends with a guy who is friends with Danny, and they have all had dinner before. And he told me some disturbing things about Danny. Apparently he's a total wanker and a total player as well. It's not surprising to imagine, with such a good looking guy, but it's Danny! I refused to believe it, but he insisted that Danny was not a good character. He apparently doesn't hold women in high regard and doesn't treat them well. And JJ also met with (and dated?) one of Danny's ex-girlfriends.. or someone he had something of a one night stand with? I don't really remember, but basically the point is that JJ knew a girl who went out with Danny. And she told him that Danny was on the kinky side, with a foot fetish and into BDSM.

I don't know how much of this is true, but JJ seems quite trustworthy and has no reason to lie to me about such a thing. But this is in total conflict of everything I know about Danny! Granted, it's not like any of this is personal knowledge, all gained from internet and the TV, but still! I have this whole image of Danny in my head, and I know I have put him on a pedestal, but this can't be it. I know Danny isn't as perfect as I make him out to be, he is human after all, but I don't see him as this tosser who doesn't care about women and just plays around with them. JJ also says he has a really bad attitude and swears a lot, and I don't see that either. Well, the swearing, yes, but I swear a lot too, so whatever, but a bad attitude? How can one say such things about him when there are all those game shows where he comes out laughing and has a great sense of humour and can be so sweet and charming? I know that he could just be acting, creating a public image, but it just.. seems so real. All the "behind the camera" footage (which is of course in front of a different camera), all the scenes with his mates.. they show the Danny that I fell in love with. Could there really be another Danny?

All this made me question. I know I put him on a pedestal, and I could almost literally hear it crumbling as I was talking to JJ about Danny. What do I really know about Danny? Nothing that a million other fans don't know. I see what they see, hear what they hear, read what they read.. even less, actually, since I'm totally out of the loop. And yet.. I fell in love. I know that sounds silly and delusional. I joke that he's my hubby and that someday I will really marry him. I know it's a joke. But at the same time.. part of me dreams about it. And a little voice whispers that it could come true. Granted, in these dreams I am not really myself. I am a better Esther, beautiful and skinny and fit. Someone that the guy of my dreams could fall in love with. But the dreams are still there. Along with the whispers. The hope. The.. delusion? Am I really that far gone?

I don't remember how it started but lately in our emails Gardy and I have been joking about my delusions regarding Danny. And I told her in my last email that it really would come true, that I would marry Danny, and then I would laugh in her face. And she said that if it really did happen, she would be happy for me and accept it. But until then, she will be laughing at me. I read that email today after I came back from dinner and my heart broke (well, maybe not as dramatic as that..) I don't know what to think any more. If what JJ said is true, then Danny is not a guy that I want to be in love with or marry. The pedestal will fall and so will he. And that makes me feel.. cold. Empty. Dark.

How pathetic is it that I can feel this way over a celebrity? A man that I've never met and who doesn't even know I exist? How sad is it that I can write this uber long post about all this crap? I don't even know what I'm saying any more. And it's not helping that Winamp is playing some of 1tym's sappy songs. Right now it's on "Without You," which is pretty much all Danny, with some Teddy mixed in. My heart is breaking listening to his sweet voice. I am pathetic. This has to end.

I don't know if I can let him go though. He's my Danny. The man of my dreams. The guy who I dream about and swoon over. The guy who actually makes me feel in this cold world of apathy that I constantly feel myself drawn into. Maybe I should just give in and stop caring. Like the song, I guess I will have to live without you.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Goodbye Stray

Today was the last day of my travels with Stray.

I feel very.. I don't know how to explain it. Part of me is relieved that it's over. But a large part of me is sad. Maybe it's because I didn't get to finish the entire tour (I had to cut out the Bay of Islands section and I skipped a few days on the way). Maybe it's because it represents the end of my NZ tour. I don't know. I feel so.. empty. I'm never going to hop onto a Stray bus again. I think part of me is sad because it's such a.. waste. I don't know to express it in English. But basically my Stray pass is valid for 12 months, so I can do any part of the circuit or all of it as many times as I want within 12 months. But I'm never going to use it again. SADNESS!

Tomorrow I'm going to buy all my souvenirs here in Auckland. Yes, I know, I'm an idiot for putting it off until the last minute. Now everyone is going to get souvenirs from the same place. Other places did have what were probably nicer souvenirs, but I didn't want to be carrying them along on my travels. My apologies. Now people will be getting the cheapest ones because I literally have no money, and the lightest ones because I'm already most definitely going to be over the weight limit with my luggage. My apologies again.

I'm almost running out of time on this computer so I'm going to go now. I am not looking forward to all the blogging I will have to do when I go home for the past month and more. Sigh.