Monday, March 31, 2008

No Shame

I have no shame.

At church, Williana asked me what I wanted for my birthday. Instead of being typical Asian meek, I just paused to think for a moment and then replied with Across the Universe. She told me not to worry since Blockbuster is having a previously-viewed DVD sale, and I immediately went, TT_TT. So she assured me that she will be using her 30% Borders coupon instead. Good girl ^^

Most people try not to reveal their birthdays.. but I have decided to give up on that track. I do not hide my birthday.. I actually make sure everyone knows when it is. APRIL 12. Didn't get that? APRIL 12. That is in less than two weeks if you didn't know. Hahahaha. I really do have no shame.

**By the way, here is my wishlist on Amazon.**

In another I have no shame moment, I will be posting my weight loss progress on here. I finally went to the gym today. I felt like I was going to die. I just had to enter into a weight loss competition with a friend.. and she just has to insist that we spend an hour at the gym every day (thankfully I managed to talk her out of weekends, whew). The good thing is that I have this odd competitive streak in me and so hopefully that streak will be enough to get me to go to the gym regularly and win. Puahahahaha.

So I weighed myself this morning. Weight has always been a sensitive subject for me since I weigh more than most people I know.. including guys TT_TT But I figure that no one can really keep me accountable unless I share this information. So, even though I will probably regret this the moment I post it, I will share my weight here. SIGH.

As of this morning, I weighed 155.2 pounds. Sadly enough, I was so happy to see this weight because this actually means I lost some weight! When I did the bungy jump in Queenstown they weighed me at 73 kg, which is roughly 161 pounds. That is how much I weighed that summer in Korea when I was diagnosed as obese. Now, in case anyone reading this actually weighs around there, that does not mean that you are obese. First off, all bodies are different, and secondly, odds are that you actually have some muscle in there. I was pure fat. And with fat weighing less than muscle, that just shows you exactly how much fat I have. Sadness.

Anyway, today I feel I was productive at the gym.. at least for the first half hour. I spent 32 minutes on the elliptical, and that resulted in my walking (elliptical-ing?) 2.78 miles and burning 317 calories. I then spent 30 minutes on the treadmill. I walked (Esther does not run)--it was not a leisurely pace, but I don't think it was fast enough to count as a speedwalk. Hahaha. I was the slowest person there ^^# On the treadmill, I walked 1.63 miles and burned 145 calories. So the total for the day: 4.2 miles and 462 calories. To regular gym goers, I don't think that's a lot, but for me, that is HUGE! My daily exercise consisted of walking from the computer to the TV and back.. so.. yeah. ^^#

Anyway, that's all I have to say for now. Wish me luck on my weight loss!!! *^^*

Monday, March 24, 2008

Moment of INSANITY

Actually, it was more than a moment. More like 30 minutes. OH MY GOODNESS.

Can I label this buyer's remorse? WHAT WAS I THINKING?!

You must be asking, "What was she thinking? What is she even talking about?" Well, I'll tell you what.

I just bought membership to 24hr Fitness. Not just any membership. Their one-off THREE YEAR membership! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!

From an objective standpoint, this was a very smart decision. They have their Easter promotion currently going on, which means their normal $999 3-year membership with $149/yr renewal afterwards is now just $699 with a $49/yr renewal. That is a LOT of savings. And that comes out to $19/month for the first three years and then like.. $4/month for the rest of my life. And since I (with Danny's help of course) managed to talk my mum into signing up at the same time, she gets the same deal.. but for $619 instead. SWEET AS.

And then you look at me. Well, you can't even see me anymore because I'm currently swallowed up by my fat. So, obviously, anything involving exercise is a good thing. And with this membership, we get 4 free sessions with a personal trainer. I most definitely need a personal trainer. Because without one, I would NEVER leave the cardio section. I don't know how to use anything except the elliptical and the treadmill. But Danny (the guy showing me around and selling me his gym) explained that the personal trainer would help me with everything and etc etc etc. Makes whoever will be my personal trainer sound like a demigod.

So, everything's great, right?

NO!!! Have we forgotten who we're talking about?! ME! Esther Kim! The girl who absolutely abhors pain. And what is exercise?! PAIN! Those stupid endorphins do NOT come out when I exercise. And, above everything, I am laziness personified. Why in the world would I leave my house and my comfy PJs to go to a gym and.. be active?! WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?!?!

I don't know. It happened at Macy's today with my mum. I just got SO sick and tired of going around looking at clothes and unable to buy anything because I'm in my fat phase and refuse to buy anything for this "temporary" state. And I'm so sick and tired of looking through my closet unable to wear most of my clothes because I'm too fat for them. So I finally told my mum, "OK. We'll go there." She, of course, not knowing my thoughts, had no idea what I was talking about. "You know, THAT place, the place I don't want to go to." Hahaha, it took her a while to figure out I was talking about the gym. I joked that God spoke to me since we went at such a good time (the Easter promotion deal ends tomorrow). But still, what am I going to do?! I have to go to the gym. All that money! But.. but.. it's the gym! WAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Either way, I can't go until next Monday. I started my rag yesterday and there is no bloody way that I am doing anything while on my period. I'm PMSy enough as is. No need to get into contact with more people that I could potentially bite the heads off.

Sunday, March 09, 2008


To those who commented, thank you for the encouragement. My mum has been surprisingly encouraging as well. I appreciate it. I will not give up. Not like I have a choice :P

Apparently the US economy lost 63,000 jobs last month.
IHT: U.S. economy losses 63,000 jobs in February
(nice to know they can spell XP)
NPR: Economy Lost 63,000 Jobs in February

Reading things like this make me wonder if I'll ever get a job. The economy is getting worse and there's a recession to look forward to. One of my church friends got laid off her job a couple weeks ago. What do I do with this information? I know that the news and whatnot hypes up exactly how bad everything is, but things are still bad. And as more time passes by, I just don't see it getting better.

I feel like I don't know what the meaning of my life is anymore. I feel lost. What do I do with my time? How is one day any more meaningful than the others? It's all monotonous. I just stay at home all week. Even my own mother feels sorry for me and tries to take me out on the weekend since I'm just cooped up 24/7. I get up around noon. I eat. I jobhunt. I check email. Maybe I watch a movie from Netflix. I watch some TV. Somehow, it's beyond me how this happens, it turns into 4 AM. 3 AM if I'm lucky. And then I freak out and go to bed. Only to wake up around 11 or noon and repeat the whole cycle again.

Since it's Sunday, I refuse to jobhunt. But I don't know what to do with my time. It's not like I have a lack of things to do. I have three whole external hard drives of things I need to watch. I have thousands of pictures I need to organise. I have a website to pay attention to. Other blogs that need attention as well. A scrapbook to make. So many papers to organise. But..

I can't bring myself to do anything. I can just sit on my bed and stare blankly in front of me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just feel so.. lethargic. Heavy and slow. Ah, I need to exercise. I can't wear the majority of the clothes in my closet now. Sigh. I don't know what I'm saying anymore. My brain has gotten slower. My memory has gotten worse. Everything is just.. deteriorating. It's pretty much everything except official. I'm going senile.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Six Weeks

Today marks the end of the seventh week that I have been back home. Which means I have spent exactly six weeks jobhunting, since I had taken a week off when I first arrived. And my future looks bleak. In New Zealand, I had given up after exactly six weeks. I feel like giving up now. Except, now, I have nowhere to go. I have nowhere to hide. I can't give up because, well, I have no options.

Six weeks of jobhunting. I feel like it hasn't been that long. Time flies by. I don't know what I do with my days. Jobhunting doesn't take up too much time. It takes up less and less time because there are less and less postings to look at. I've gotten more interviews here than I did in New Zealand, but it doesn't change anything. No one that I really want wants me. I was a failure abroad, and now I'm a failure again at home.

Internships really are the way in. Since internships are no longer an option for me, I don't know how to get in anywhere. So I am just stuck. At home. Unemployed.

I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack earlier today. I love that musical. I wish I could defy gravity.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

I Love Gift Cards

I read an article a few days ago about how stores lose money on gift cards. Because gift card purchases go under investments rather than purchases, stores only make money on gift cards when they are redeemed. If this doesn't happen within a couple years, then the government demands the money.. or something like that. I don't exactly remember, but I felt really bad.. because I've held onto my Best Buy gift cards for quite a while. I think one of them was around 3-4 years old. Haha. My allegiance to Borders meant I no longer went to Best Buy. So I had two Best Buy gift cards and one Target gift card, so today I decided to go redeem all three.

I went to Best Buy and I purchased How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days and The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. I've always wanted the former, and I love the drifting (and Vin's cameo!) in the latter. I then went to Target and purchased the Wicked soundtrack (finally!) and Sarah Brightman's new album for my mum. All four purchases, combined with my gift cards, meant I spent a little under $5 today. I love gift cards.

In other news, my movie watching continues. I watched Paris, Je T'aime with Crystal. Loved the movie. And all the various actors! It was very nice. I watched Across the Universe with Natasha and Christina and LOVED the movie. Which is why it's now on my wishlist. Beautiful film with beautiful songs. We also watched D-War. Such a disappointment. That is what happens when Korean movies are made for an American audience. Sigh. I have also watched Meet the Robinsons, Rent, Waiting..., and Layer Cake. Meet the Robinsons was cute, and Waiting...was crude, as expected. But Ryan Reynolds was such a cutie. Rent was a bit disappointing, especially after having watched and heard Across the Universe, but it was okay. And Layer Cake was bearable only because I became a Daniel Craig fan thanks to Casino Royale. Not that it was a bad movie. I just wouldn't have watched it if I wasn't his fan. Speaking of which, I used the Watch Instantly feature to watch 30 Days Until I'm Famous yesterday. Not a great movie, and I only endured it because Sean Patrick Flanery was so cute in it. Haha, that is why I can never be a movie critic. I will sit through movies just for the heartthrob. Haha.

I now have over 100 movies on my queue. And apart from Crystal and Natasha, no one has taken up my request to have friends watching these movies with me! I currently have Once and Rush Hour 3 at home, which I will watch this weekend. Some of the movies coming up are Knocked Up, Shoot 'Em Up, Sideways, and The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford. Don't care for these movies? I have so many more. So come over and watch them with me!!!