Thursday, July 31, 2008

Dormant Passion

The Summer X Games are upon us! X Games XIV. It starts airing tonight on ESPN and ESPN2 and then on ABC over the weekend.

I don't know if you remember, but I used to be obsessed with the X Games. For those several days twice a year, I would become a fanatic, consuming everything X Games related, watching the coverage like a hawk, and taking notes continually. Gardenia can attest to it since she witnessed it while we were living together my freshman year and the Winter X Games took place. I seriously love the X Games.

But then.. I was in Korea for the 2004 Summer X Games and was unable to watch it. Once I had fallen outside of the loop, I lost my.. momentum. The Winter X Games passed me by (what was I doing?), and then I was in Cambridge for the 2005 Summer X Games. Then I missed out on the Winter X Games again (seriously, what do I do during these times?). And then came my chance to get back into the loop. UCLA had a career fair and ESPN was there. I immediately went up to their booth and started talking to one of their EXPN reps. It was inspirational. She also majored in psychology but was now in marketing. I told her about how I love the X Games and she told me to fax her my resume to be an intern for the Summer X Games. I was absolutely stoked. It would be a dream come true! So I faxed her my resume.. but then I didn't hear anything from her.

As I was working in the EAP office and seeing students apply for the summer programme in Korea, I began to want to go. At the last moment, I ended up applying and being accepted. I'm not exactly sure when it was, I think it was less than a week before the deadline to pull out of the programme, but I received a phone call. It was the lady that I had faxed my resume to at ESPN. I didn't make the cut for the internship programme, but they had a temp job opening (or something of that nature) that I could apply for to work at the Summer X Games.

I was at a loss. This was what I had wanted! But I had already decided to go to Korea for the summer, and.. in the end I decided to stick to that decision. I told the lady that I was really sorry, but I had already committed myself to other plans, and that was the end of the phone call. It killed me to decline it since I loved the X Games, but I was already out of the loop and so Korea had taken priority. So I went to Korea and was so busy there that I totally forgot about the X Games.

I definitely don't regret that choice. That summer in Korea was life-changing. But I wonder.. how different would my life had been if I had stayed? If I had ended up working at the X Games? Who knows, I could be working there right now. I could be relatively happy right now. Right now, instead of writing this blogging, I could be running around like crazy prepping for the X Games and be full of passion. But that is not how my story went.

I came home from Korea and missed the Winter X Games again, although I think I caught a little bit at the end this time around. And with work and whatnot, I missed the Summer X Games again last year (and I didn't even realise it until it was already over!). And then I finally had a valid excuse to miss the Winter X Games because I was in New Zealand!

But this time I'm home and I know that the X Games are happening. I'm conflicted. I'm afraid to get obsessive over it again. Being obsessed over something is very tiring. I would have to catch up on all the participants, watch all 20 hours of programming (which actually isn't that much, haha). But I'm lazy. I've resigned myself to my non-passionate life. But I have a void inside where the X Games used to be :(

I know it seems odd that my attitude is either all or nothing. Either I become obsessive or else I cut it out. But I can't be lukewarm about the X Games. I used to think that maybe I can just watch parts of it and I'll be fine. But then I want to watch more and it makes me sad so then I change the channel to something that doesn't affect me.

I don't know. I guess I will try to catch parts of it this time around. Saturday will be really busy (family BBQ + AHS potluck), but I guess I'll try to have the TV on in the background. I don't know. I might cowardly back out in the end. I was originally going to title this blogging something else, as I was thinking about it on my morning commute, but I forgot what that title was. So I went for this one, although I feel like "dormant" isn't the right word. I wanted something more like "dead," but that is too depressing. I want my passion to come back, but at the same time, I don't want it to. Being passionate is exhausting. This can lead to yet another blogging, but I will stop because this blogging is long enough as is. I don't even know if this blogging made sense, or if it just made you realise how pathetic Esther is to an even greater extent, but I wanted to get it out there. SIGH.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Cyanoacrylate Magic

As you guys should all know, on my last night in New Zealand, Danny's pedestal crumbled. When I returned home, I was at a loss. What did this mean for my fanship of Taebin? Of 1TYM? I didn't listen to their music. Actually, I didn't listen to anyone from YG, period. I didn't watch any of their media clips (well, that I stopped doing a lot time ago, thanks laziness). And I was empty inside without my hubby#1 and my obsession with him.

Finally, after a long long time, I decided that I couldn't take it anymore. Time for denial/suppression mode. So I gathered up all the remains of the pedestal and I Krazy Glue'd them together (in case you didn't know, you ignorant fools, Krazy Glue is just a trade name for cyanoacrylate). The pedastal is a bit shaky and not very stable, but it's back up and Danny is back in his rightful place.

But I still didn't listen to his songs. When I finally switched to AT&T and had my NZ phone back in commission, I put Free Fallin' (by Danny and Teddy) on it, along with a couple other songs. Still didn't listen to any of the songs though. After I switched back to Verizon (two traumatising weeks after AT&T), then I started to use my phone as a "MP3 player" in the car. When Free Fallin' came on, it was.. refreshing. A breath of fresh air. I had really missed the two of them. I had not realised how much until I listened to the song.

But it was just that song, nothing else. Until yesterday. Yesterday I finally decided it was time to listen to Taebin and 1TYM again. So I put in my tape while driving home from work.

떠나자 (Let's Go), 1TYM
First song to play. Wow. This just stirred up so many emotions within me I almost cried. I had missed 1TYM so much!!! I just wanted to hug them and never let go~

Hot 뜨거, 1TYM
This song helped me recover because it just brought a smile onto my face. I think I smiled throughout the entire song. They were so cute in this MV.

Without You, 1TYM
Oh, Danny! So much emotion welled up within me. This MV is what led me to rediscover 1TYM. I loved them since they came out, and I was a loyal fan through their first two albums. But then, I guess I got busy in high school because I forgot about them until freshman year at UCLA, when their fourth album came out. I was looking through Bugs' MV page when I saw the thumbnail for the Without You MV and was like, wow, that guy is hot! (For some reason I thought he looked like Park Yong Ha in the thumbnail, how wrong I was.) When I clicked on it, ta da! It was Danny from 1TYM. And the rest, as they say, was history~ ♥

울고싶어라 (Cry), 1TYM
By this point, I was pretty much back to the way I was before the pedestal bloody crumbled. I ♥ 1TYM!

And then Taebin's CD tracks started to play. And I remembered, yet again, how much I love him. Especially when 내가 눈을 감는 이유 (The Reason Why I Close My Eyes) started playing. Ahhh, the rush of emotions. And memories of how I listened to that song, and that song only, for several months. When Collision played, I also realised (with a bit of surprise) that I haven't listened to Se7en in a really long time either! Thanks to Nancy I have been kept up-to-date on his appearance, but that is it. Ahhhhh, the kpop drought that I had been in (and still am in actually).

But even though I'm back to listening to 1TYM and Taebin, I am not going to venture into the kpop world or any forums. I would be completely absolutely overwhelmed by the information there,and my obsessions would be out of this world. I've been possessed by my obsessions before, and it is never fun. But if you would like to do so and then update me, it would be greatly appreciated!!!

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

You're Beautiful

Recently I've been hearing "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt on the radio.

Because it was on my short playlist while I was in New Zealand, I listened to it constantly. Hearing it now, I realised that I now associate this song with New Zealand. Listening to it made me feel.. sad. Nostalgic. And.. other feelings that I can't really express in words.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

The lyrics ring true. New Zealand is so beautiful. My pictures and descriptions of it do not do it justice. And as much as I may wish it, it will never be mine. I will never be a kiwi. I failed in my attempt to become one, and it will never happen again. I don't know when I will be able to go back, or if such a thing is even possible. The Hobbit started filming recently, and I thought.. if only I was in Wellington. But that is not the case. New Zealand.. is out of my reach. And I don't know what to do, 'cause I'll never with be you..