Wednesday, November 26, 2008


I am a fangirl. And sometimes my fangirlyness amuses me.

So on Monday, after work, I met up with Christine and Lisa at Pink's. It was my first time! I got the Guadalajara Dog. Yum~ After dinner, we walked over to Regent to watch Ten Inch Hero. It was hilarious. We were constantly cracking up throughout the movie. And Christine and I were so fangirly! Whenever Jensen Ackles was on screen, we were dying. And whenever Sean Patrick Flanery was on screen, I died again. They are so hot/cute! AND Jordan Belfi is in it! For those who don't recognise the name, he was in Moonlight and Entourage. Such a cutie! I really love this movie and cannot wait for the DVD to come out in the spring of 2009. The movie moved both Christine and me to tears~ And then I cried on the way home because I was so happy. So grateful to all the people involved for making a movie like this and casting Jensen Ackles and Sean Patrick Flanery! ♥

To find out more about this movie, you can go to any of the following sites:
Official -- IMDb -- Wikipedia -- MySpace -- FaceBook -- BlogSpot

Then yesterday was the CEC sneak peek of Nobel Son (Website, IMDb). I would normally wait to Netflix this, but there was a Q&A afterwards with the co-writer/director and Alan Rickman. And I love Alan Rickman. A coworker of mine said she would like to go with me, so we made plans to have dinner after work and go to the sneak. But she tends to work later than I do. I waited until 6:58pm for her to get out of a meeting, but she didn't, so I just left and went by myself. That was upsetting for several reasons, but not because I went by myself (that I don't really mind). First off, I could have invited someone else, such as Ariana or Mandy. Second off, I stayed at work bored out of my mind, I wasn't able to eat dinner, and then I had to waste time trying to find parking and eventually settling for the $3 parking garage. All that could have been avoided had I not thought she was coming with me. But anyway, by that point it was already 7:30 pm and the guest list closes at 7:45pm, so I powerwalked as fast as I could over to Ackerman Grand Ballroom. Ah, the memories. Anyway, the movie was quite enjoyable. Some scenes were very O.O, but it all worked really well together. Good movie. And the Q&A afterwards was really good, especially since I got to hear more about the process behind it and whatnot. I really liked the co-writer/director Randall Miller (who also did Bottle Shock with Alan Rickman). Some questions directed at Alan were a bit idiotic, but it was nice hearing him talk. I really like his voice (and accent!). Afterwards I didn't get to be too fangirly because I was an idiot and didn't bring my camera (and also didn't have any friend backup), but I did manage to take a couple pictures on my cameraphone.. AND I got to shake his hand! He refused to hug anyone because he didn't want to upset his girlfriend (they're still not married?!) so I asked for a handshake and he agreed *^^* Ahhhh, I heart him~~~

So the past two nights were really good. Of course, the rain had to ruin things and make my drive home not so fun, but other than that.. good times~ I love Jensen Ackles, Sean Patrick Flanery, and Alan Rickman. ♥

Monday, November 24, 2008


Busy wallowing in self-pity and self-loathing as I have various life crises left and right, I often forget how great people can be. I forget that I can enjoy hanging out with people, especially when they're people that I don't hang out with much on a regular basis. Maybe they're hanging out with me out of a sense of obligation, since we've gone too long without hanging out, but I choose to interpret it as my being loved. It is nice :)

Monday, November 17: Went over to my mommie Christine's apartment after work for dinner. I love her! She made me Beef Wellington and Banoffee Pie! She cooked my beef wellington a bit longer since I told her I don't do pink meat, and it came out absolutely delish. And the banoffee pie was so good! I think it's the closest to the UK version that I've tasted in LA so far. Num yummy *^^* Thank you so much mommie!!! ♥ Afterwards we watched Chuck, and I think it made her a fan. I loved Adam Baldwin's Hi-C. We were dying from laughter~

Tuesday, November 18: Went to the gym in an attempt to burn off the previous night's OD on calories. Spent 35 minutes on the elliptical, burning 380 calories and doing 3.27 miles. I thought I was going to die. How in the world did I do 385 before?! I don't think I will ever hit that mark again.

Thursday, November 20: Another gym visit! This time I spent 10 minutes on the elliptical, burning 111 calories and doing 0.95 miles. Then I went upstairs and did resistance training.

Friday, November 21: We celebrated a coworker's birthday so things at work were quite festive. For lunch we had P.F. Chang's, and for dessert we had this delicious strawberry cake from La Conversation. I seriously need to go check that place out sometime. Because I have such a kind boss boss, I also got to leave 55 minutes early. Of course, traffic negated some of that, but I still made it home earlier than a normal Friday. Met up with Crystal to go to the gym, where I spent 35 minutes on the elliptical, burning 358 calories and doing 3.11 miles. I thought that would be it, but then we went upstairs for resistance training. And she showed me a couple new machines, which ended up with my being very sore in certain areas over the weekend. Crazy girl! But as a reward, we got In-N-Out and went to my house to pig out while watching Tropic Thunder. :) That was a hilarious movie. My only sadness is that Blockbuster was cheap and only gave us Disk 1, which didn't have the special features.

Saturday, November 22: The bulk of the day was spent running errands and shelling out money at the car shop, where I had to get my oil changed and a couple other things replaced. My poor car--the commute is taking quite a toll on it. I had originally planned on going to the gym later, but when I got home I decided I didn't want to anymore. Couch potato time! But Christina called and changed all that. We went to Krikorian to go watch Twilight (her treat!). Ah, Twilight. What can I say. The pro was, Robert Pattinson comes out a lot. And I love him. He's the whole reason why I had any interest in the movie. OH, I guess we can also count Jackson Rathbone, who plays Jasper. He was pretty cute too. The cons were, everything else. Kristen Stewart was awkward and stiff. I know fans will argue that Bella is supposed to be awkward and stiff, but Kristen was way too awkward and stiff and just not a good actress. I have issues with a lot of plot lines, and plot holes, and my biggest issue is with Stephenie Meyer's version of vampires. I have huge issues with that. They don't have fangs! Since when did vampires not have fangs? I have other issues besides that, but I will not go into it. But since I got to be fangirly throughout the movie over Robert Pattinson with Christina, it was a nice night :)

Sunday, November 23: After church, I went out to lunch with Jae, her sister, their friend, and her hubby. Jae and I always talked about hanging out, but it never happened, so we finally made it happen. We went to Koraku Restaurant in Little Tokyo and I got their katsudon. Pretty good. It was nice hanging out :) Later on I went home and watched not just one, but two!, Netflix movies. First I watched Possession, with Aaron Eckhart, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Jeremy Northam. It also has Lena Headey in it, although I didn't care for her in here. But Aaron Eckhart was so hot~ And it was a good movie overall. I also watched the surfing documentary The Forgotten Coast. It was, eh, okay. I definitely enjoy the more stylised documentaries such as Step Into Liquid and Riding Giants. And then, since Twilight made me think about vampires, I watched episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer with Buffy and Angel. Ahhh, I love Angel so much ♥

So things have been pretty busy for me. And this week will be busy, busy, busy! Tonight I'm going to the screening of Ten Inch Hero with Christine and Lisa, since we are all Jensen Ackles fans. He is so hot ♥ And I think we're having Pink's for dinner since it's just down the street from the screening. And tomorrow I'm taking a coworker with me to go see the sneak peek of Nobel Son at UCLA since the director, writer, and ALAN RICKMAN will be there for a Q&A afterwards! So expect a lot of swooning and fangirliness in my next post~ ;)

Monday, November 17, 2008

Outgoing Hermit

Is it possible to be an outgoing hermit? Is that paradoxical? I feel like after deciding I was going to be a hermit, I've started to go out more. Ah, the ironies of life.

But before I say anything more, I must catch up on my hubby birthdays! So Hugh Jackman turned 40 on October 12, and the love of my life, Viggo Mortensen, turned 50 on October 20! I can't believe I missed it! November 12th was Ryan Gosling's 28th birthday, and November 13th was Gerald Butler's 39th. Happy birthday loves! ♥

Tuesday, November 11: Veteran's Day! And the birthday for a lot of people! Gardeenie, JoeMac, P.Dan, etc. Happy Birthday everyone! Thanks to it being Veteran's Day, traffic was really sweet. Got to work in like 50 minutes! The trek back was almost the same, but still shorter. Went to the gym, but as I mentioned before, I was too weaksauce to do much of anything. Did the elliptical for 10 minutes, burning 112 calories and 0.96 miles. I then went upstairs to do resistance training, which I somehow sped through in 10 minutes. And then I left. That's right, Esther spent a grand total of 20 minutes at the gym. Hahahaha. That was just pathetic.

Wednesday, November 12: After work, met up with JoeMac and Marga to celebrate JoeMac's birthday! We went to Kuru Kuru Sushi, good stuff. Cheap and yum. Had some sour lemon soju as well, haha. Joe's treat. Although it's rare, he can be nice sometimes, hahahaha. It was nice catching up :) Went home later and watched the season premiere of Top Chef.

Thursday, November 13: Gym time! Spent 32 minutes on the elliptical, burning 337 calories and 2.92 miles. Still recovering from Monday, that was all I could do. Literally. I just did the elliptical and then I went home.

Friday, November 14: My very very kind boss boss realised that I was bored out of my mind with nothing to do, so he let me go home early. I left an hour and six minutes earlier than usual, and yet I still took 25 minutes longer than usual to get home. Oh the evils of traffic. But I still got home earlier than usual, which was nice. I went to the gym, and it was so empty! If only I could go home early every Friday. Anyway, I spent 10 minutes on the elliptical, burning 109 calories and 0.94 miles. I then went upstairs and did resistance training. I think I somehow managed to do more things and stretched it out to around half an hour. Although, I must admit, some of that time was me just sitting around waiting for certain machines to open up. Hahahahaha.

Saturday, November 15: Went to Favourite Place (Website, Yelp) for lunch with Gardy and Keri to celebrate Gardy's birthday. I had found out about it through one of Yelp's newsletters and I was so glad we went. You can read my raving review about it on Yelp ♥ Later that day I made my broccoli cheese casserole for our monthly AHS potluck. Good times were had :D Of course, what all this means is that I pigged out all Saturday and didn't go to the gym at all, hahahaha. But it was so nice ;)

Sunday, November 16: My last bible study of the year! Woot woot~ It was a good bible study, and I loved the reading, but it was just such a chore to have to read every week. What can I say, I'm lazy ^^# Went home and finally watched Revolver, which had been sitting at home for 2.5 months. It turned out that I had actually watched most of this movie before, but never the whole thing. And watching it from beginning to end is really important. Also watched all the special features. I don't understand why everyone mocks this movie. There was this one critic who put this in the same category as Swept Away! Just because it's not like Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels or Snatch doesn't mean that it's bad. I enjoyed this movie~ Although I have to say, the pivotal scene in the movie was so LOTR (attn: Gollum/Smeagol). If you've watched the movie, you know what I'm talking about. It amused me. For dinner I met up with Brian from church and his girlfriend at Din Tai Fung. Another friend was supposed to come along, but she couldn't make it. So I ended up being a third wheel, haha. But hey, he treated, so it's all good ^^ Pigging out is always fun. We all ended up in food comas afterwards, haha.

So now I really need to go to the gym. Pigged out all weekend. But I'm also going to be pigging out tonight! My wonderful "mommie" Christine is making Beef Wellington and banoffee pie for me! Good for my tummy, bad for my pot belly. SIGH. But the fatso in me is still looking forward to it! Hopefully I can still fit into my jeans tomorrow~

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Yes We Can?

Tuesday, November 4: Election Day! Went to FMS at 7:10am to vote, bright and early. Voted for change :) And then came into work around 10am. That was nice. My boss boss also let me leave about half an hour early so I went home and planted myself in front of the TV with my laptop. No gym because, despite knowing how the election was going to end, I couldn't tear myself away. It was a beautiful moment after 8pm when Obama was declared president-elect. It was LEGEND--wait for it--DARY.

Wednesday, November 5: Pretty much spent the day looking at the results for the propositions. California made me happy with some (such as 2 and 4), and then disappointed me with another (8). Sigh. But later that night Bones was finally on so that made me happy! I missed my Angel~

Thursday, November 6: As I blogged about before, I had my life crisis #15. Maybe the number is higher. I've had so many now I can't keep count. Sigh. I decided that I can't handle being around people and pretending to be okay, so I entered hermit mode. Responding only on FB and via emails. Although I do go on GTalk for a few seconds every now and then for various reasons. I ended up not going to the gym for several reasons. First off, depressed. Second off, killer traffic. Didn't get home until 7:50pm. Sad times.

Friday, November 7: My boss boss was kind enough to let me go half an hour early again, so I headed to the gym. By myself since I am in hermit mode. Went into hardcore mode during my 32 minutes on the elliptical, burning 337 calories and doing 2.92 miles. But by being hardcore, I killed my legs. So I decided to forego the treadmill and go on the rowing machine instead. Level 8. But it was so hard! And without Christina to motivate me, I barely hung on until I hit 50 calories, at 6:30 minutes. I am weaksauce.

Saturday, November 8: Had lunch with Emily, Ariana, and Lina at Happy Family to celebrate Emily's birthday! That was fun. We then went to Ce Fiore afterwards and hung out for a couple of hours. Then I met up with my mum to run some errands and whatnot. Later that night I moved stuff from my laptop to my external hard drive. The only one with space left. And the space is running out! At this rate, I am going to have to buy another external hard drive before the year is over. SIGH.

Sunday, November 9: After church and bible study, I went home and pigged out on chips & guac and then brie cheese & crackers. I am such a pig. My mum and I then went to Glendale Galleria to try to get me a light winter jacket, which we finally found at Nordstrom. They didn't have my size so we're getting it shipped to us. Came home and watched Made of Honor, which I had rented from Blockbuster on Monday. It is cute! It was nice to see Kevin McKidd have his Scottish accent and see my beloved Patrick Dempsey be an irresistible man slut. Hahahahaha. Good times.

Monday, November 10: Slow day at work. Talking to Gardy about our gym/weight issues got me thinking (and more depressed, GAH), so when I went home I weighed myself. OH MY GOODNESS. I had hit over 161 pounds, which is how much I was when I was diagnosed with obesity in Korea a couple years ago.

I couldn't believe my eyes. I weighed myself about 5 times to be sure. I was back to square one. What did this mean? The past two years were for nothing? All those shots, those pills, the money, the pain and suffering at the gym, what was that all for? So I can maintain my obese weight?! WTF?! I was so upset with myself. It's my fault. I've been eating more, eating fattier foods, eating later.. what is wrong with me?! GAHHH.

So I went to the gym and went on the elliptical like a madwoman. I was so upset with myself. So in my 35 minutes on the elliptical, I burned 385 calories and did 3.13 miles. Oh my goodness. After that I had to go on the rowing machine. My body was so weaksauce that my right leg had actually given out during the elliptical and I almost fell off the machine. That would have been really bad. So I went on the rowing machine, this time on level 8.5. I decided I had to do 10 minutes, but wow. I was dying. I have no idea how Christina did it on level 10. I ended up burning 81 calories. And then I teetered on out of the gym and went home.

I was supposed to shower after HIMYM, but I was too tired. I was too tired to even watch TV on TV. I had to take my laptop and crawl into bed and watch TV there because my body was too exhausted. Didn't even get up to watch My Own Worst Enemy. I went to bed determined to be hardcore at the gym from now on, but then I woke up feeling like my body was a sore, limp noodle. My body will not be able to handle another hardcore day at the gym, so I am unfortunately going to have to take it easy tonight. Yes, I am going back tonight. The 161+ was a rude wake up call and I must constantly remind myself of that. I still can't believe it. Isn't it strange how being almost at 160 just makes me feel bad, but getting to 161 just jolts me into action? I guess not being at 161 meant I had made some improvement, even if it's just a tiny tiny tiny blip, but going past 161 means I'm back to square one. Not even. Square zero!

This just adds fuel to my life crisis fire. I question everything. What is the point? Why don't I just.. SIGH. Let's not go there. I almost cried at work after the last post. Anyway, that's the reason for the title of this post. Obama's slogan was "Yes We Can." But can I? Can I change, and for the better? I feel like everything is just getting worse. My weight has obviously gone up. My eating habits have gotten worse. I'm not going anywhere at work. Today I finally faced the inevitable and got my extension changed to say my name. People have been complaining that they'll call me and get confused because it says someone else's name on the phone. Or when I call them, same thing. I had avoided changing it because I didn't think I would stay for long. But that was obviously a fail, so I got it changed today. Now I just need to change my voicemail to my name. Hahahaha. But I will resist a little longer on that. If only because I'm too lazy and tired to push those buttons on the phone and say my name.

I have been lazy in a lot of things. My mum is constantly on my case about following up on certain items, but I just never get around to them. Why am I like this? And why does it matter? .. I don't even know what I'm thinking anymore. I'm going to go back to wasting time online in my zombie mode so I don't have to think about such things.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

It's Been Awhile

Monday, October 27: Went to the gym with Gardy after work. Spent 32 minutes on the elliptical, burning 321 calories and doing 2.82 miles. And the nap that I tried to take later turned out to be more like lying in bed for half an hour, haha.

Thursday, October 30: Gym again with Gardy. Spent 15 minutes on the elliptical, burning 158 calories and doing 1.37 miles. Then we went upstairs for resistance training.

Friday, October 31: Halloween!
Didn't dress up. I didn't want to be an incompetent shinigami without a sword, so, FAIL. Work was pretty fun in the afternoon because we had our costume contest and whatnot. Good times. Since Santa Monica Blvd got shut down at 2pm for the WeHo parade, my boss boss let me leave work at 4:50 to deal with traffic. Oh, painful traffic. What was normally a 35 minute drive to Beverly/Vermont took me seventy minutes. I didn't get home until around 7pm. Sigh.
And then, Christina dragged me to the gym! On Halloween! Sigh. I spent 10 hardcore minutes on the elliptical, burning 114 calories and 0.98 miles. Then, waiting for Christina to finish her warmup, I decided to be like Gardy and go backwards. So I did that for 3:35 minutes, burning 30 calories and doing 0.2-something miles. Then Christina dragged me upstairs and we did more painful stuff. And then she decided we would use the Concept2 rowing machines. So we did that for 10 minutes, which burned 77 calories. I was already dying at my setting of 7.5, but Christina was hardcore with her setting at 10 (the highest). Crazy girl. I went home and cried because my body was so weaksauce and couldn't handle what I just put it through. SADNESS.
Since it took me so long to recover, I didn't have time for a Netflix movie before Numb3rs. So what did I do? I finally watched Sleeping Beauty! YAY. I love that movie. Although I was depressed afterwards because I would never have a Prince Phillip of my own. SIGH. Here's a sing-along video for Once Upon A Dream..

Saturday, November 1: Finally watched a Netflix movie in the form of Attila. Ah, I love Gerald Butler. He can really look amazing in anything. I had watched most of this movie on TV before, but never the whole thing, which is why I rented it. I enjoyed it. ^^

Sunday, November 2: Jinwon came over after church and we hung out for the rest of the day. Watched another Netflix movie, yay! Run, Fatboy, Run. We are both big Simon Pegg fans. I heart him *^^* Who wants to get me Hot Fuzz for Christmas? If you really love me, you'll get the British version like what Tasha has *hint hint*

Monday, November 3: Went to the gym again with Gardy. Ran a bit late so I just did the elliptical. 32 minutes, 337 calories, 2.92 miles. Gardy stayed later since she got there a bit late, and she went all hardcore and did 360-something calories. I hate her. I really do. I used to think we were gym equals. Even though everyone else was better than me at the gym, she was my fellow weaksauce friend. She definitely talked that way! But no. She has been improving. She has been getting more hardcore. She doesn't get as sore as me. She burns more calories than me. I hate her.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I used to be motivated to go to the gym. But I have lost all motivation. What's the point? Nothing happens. I suffer.. with no results. And my eating has gotten worse. I am constantly eating at work. Most of it is fruit, which I fool myself into thinking is healthy, despite the fact that they all have a lot of sugar. My mum now packs a couple pieces of chocolate for me every day. I bought a wheel of brie cheese from Costco this weekend, so I eat that every night with crackers. Although some nights I eat chips and guacamole. I'm eating more. Unhealthier. And I'm gaining weight. And I seriously don't want to go to the gym anymore. When you think about it, I've never gone to the gym consistently for over a month until now. Although both times I went every weekday. And I lost weight. Well, more drastically the first time. Earlier this year didn't do too much. Just a few pounds. Although that is something to be grateful, seeing as now I'm gaining. SIGH.

I need to go to the gym more. I need to be more hardcore. I need to eat less. I need to eat healthier. But I don't want to! Well, I do, but I can't bring myself to. I am so miserable. What will I do if the comfort I take in my unhealthy food goes away? How will I survive? I don't even know what I'm saying or thinking. I just.. want.. something else. Not this.

I heard Staind's "It's Been A While" on the radio this morning and the lyrics seem to resonate with me (granted, not all of them, and I'm not thinking about anyone but myself). I have them below (minus the ones that didn't count, which were replaced with "..").

Staind, It's Been A While

It's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high..
And it's been awhile
Since I could stand on my own two feet again..

But everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means

..And it's been awhile
Since I could say I love myself as well and
And it's been awhile
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do..

But everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and fucked things up again

Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day

It's been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight..

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem to be I know it's me..

(FYI, I will blog about the election in a separate post)

Monday, November 03, 2008

A Year Ago.. Partie Deux

This was originally supposed to be a three-part blog, but I missed the first part so it will only be two, with this being the second.

The first "a year ago" was supposed to be on September 28, to mark the one year anniversary of my last day at TOKYOPOP. Known, by some, as TokyoPOOP. Kekeke. Already over a year has passed since I last was a full-time employee. Sure, I work full time now, but I am a temp. Although, to be precise, I was actually also a contractor then too. Damn me and my big mouth. So many regrets.

Then, as I wrote in A Year Ago.. Part One, there was October 22. The day I left America for a brighter future.

And then came November 1. I was supposed to blog on Halloween (since NZ is 20 hours ahead of us), but I got caught up in the day's festivities at work. November 1, 2007: the day I arrived in New Zealand. Where my bright future awaited me. Except it wasn't so bright. And it wasn't a future. It was.. a dead end. I jobhunted for hours on end, for a month and a half, submitting over 100 resumes, all for naught. All to be rejected. All to realise that there was no hope left for me there.

I supposed another "a year ago" blogging can be written on January 14, 2009. The one year anniversary of my dejected return to LA. Can you believe I've been back for so long? And yet what have I accomplished? I jobhunted for months this time, submitting hundreds of resumes, again for naught. I finally started temping in mid-May, and I've been at this position since June. I never imagined that I would be here. Still. A failure.

I was talking about it with Jinwon when she came over yesterday and I started crying. It's just so depressing! How did I get to this point? Where do I go from here? It just boggles my mind. How did this happen? HOW?! Or I guess more importantly, why am I such a failure?

It came back to hit me again when I got into bed to go to sleep. I became so overwhelmed by my failures. This is something I try not to think about, that I deny and repress with all my energy, but with all these one year anniversaries happening, I cannot help but think about it. I started crying uncontrollably until I started hyperventilating and then had to force myself to calm down. And now I have puffy eyes :( But those are the least of my worries. GAH. I can't even think about it because everything just overwhelms me. Everything would just be so much easier if I just..